For the past ten years you and I were inseparable. Like Bonnie and Clyde we were two bound souls together on this crazy ride called life. We were young when it began, children you could say, and we felt we had the world before us. I guess its the naive nature of our bond that made things so wonderful. There were no fights, no heartaches, no betrayals. Year after year I would run to you and year after year you'd pick me up and grin. We were the best of friends. Inside jokes about the foolish things we did as kids. Laughing about roller coasters and candy jawbreakers, singing songs back and forth and talking about how we'd always be there for one another. We talked about how we'd never leave one another and how we'd grow old and still laugh at all the stupid things as we laid out on the grass beside the parks. Riding upon the posts of your bike, laughing at the little things and soaking in all life had to offer us. Sitting on swings, in the summer and watching snowflakes fall upon the once green grass in the winter...
As we grew older it got harder. You were taking your studies more seriously. Looking back, I shouldn't be surprised, you were always smarter than I was. More structured and studious, I suppose. I was never sure of where I was going. So lost and confused knowing there was nothing I was particularly "good" at. Relationships were one. You walked me through every little thing I'd done. You guided me through some pretty intense moments in my life and there were times where you let me wander astray to learn my lessons by myself, but you always were standing there waiting for me. Knowing that no matter where I wandered, I'd always come back to the one person that never gave up on me. You nurtured my battered soul after the abuse from the first one, you patched up my heart when the others cheated...you took care of me. And I tried to do the same for you. I was never able to see the people you were with...but I heard the stories. The sadness in your voice and it made it clear that things were awry. I did everything I could to be a shoulder for you and it took you a while to come to terms with. I stayed up countless nights to be sure you were okay. I scrawled notes down for you to make you smile. I did everything in my power to make you see what an amazing friend you were to me and how much I thanked you for it. Even on the night of our prom, where your smile was as bright as I'd ever seen. You suffered through such an event for my sake and I could never be happier.
And then....you left for college....I watched you pack up and walk away; you helped me pack up and move away and nothing in my life was more painful than watching you leave. Death had not come close to breaking my heart as much as being away from you did. I was finishing my high school days and off you were studying to become a teacher. You always had it in you, like I said, you're the smart one. And you always made me proud of how hard you worked to make those dreams of yours real. You'd come back to see me on your breaks...always making time to make sure I was still doing okay. We never fought, or had issues. We chatted about sciences and music and the arts and it we grew together to understand the world that was in front of us. We debated politics and social norms, we spoke out about stereotypes and societal flaws. We grew to be unstoppable. That was up until recently. Something changed about you and though I hate saying it I can't help but to blame that girl.
Now to clarify for those involved, I was never jealous of her, never will be jealous of her seeing as we both played different roles in your life. I was always the right hand, there beside you for over a decade, together through thick and thin, best friends....and she....well she is the one you planned to marry....despite her abandoning you for months on end, after leaving without a word simply because she felt she didn't deserve you. Not communicating with you, not caring for you the way you deserve and yet you let that toxicity infect the very core of the being you are. You became distant, occupied and cold, though you had never done so whilst with others. You became empty and shallow with no intention to speak about the world and the origins of life as you once did. You pushed me away because of her and I warned you it would happen. Out of her own jealous insecurity she attacked me trying to shun me from my place beside you so that she could replace any female being in your life. She cracked the whip across your spine...and that's when I lost you.
Its been unbearable since that day to wake up and know the person I wanted most to stand beside me through the most important times of my life may never speak to me again because of that girl. To know that the demands of a sexual relationship outweighed the importance of a platonic relationship. I wake up some days wishing to just be able to speak to you and tell you all of the wonderful things I've accomplished just to make you proud, but because of her I can never see your face light up with pride again. I can never hear the comforting sound of your laughter after a brutal day. I can never listen to you softly mutter to yourself when you're focusing on something as we lay around and just enjoy each others company. I will never get to have you stand beside me on the day I take my vows, or the day, if ever, I have a child because of that girl. I will always love you my friend, and I do not blame you for what's happened.
I know you may never see this but if you do, I'm sorry. I can't keep pretending you'll stand up and tell her that this is wrong. I can't keep hoping you'll remember what it was like before she made you cry. I can't keep telling myself that you'll talk some sense into her. I just can't. I am not strong enough to try and keep believing that you'll realize how painful this is and how much missing you hurts. I don't think I could be if I tried.
You were always the smarter of us two....but love blinded you just like everyone else. And I hope one day you'll see what a mistake this was...though by then I don't know how we will patch it up. You and I will share a passing glance and you may smile my way, but my eyes will most likely divert back to their course and I'd be on my way. Or maybe a message or a text that says "Hey, how are you?" that will stagnate inside the inbox never to be read and more likely to be deleted upon receipt of said message. Or maybe just maybe, you'll come to the door you once knew, knocking ever so politely in that gentle way of yours to see my mother, or my sister at the door. You'd ask them where I was and they'd hand you a slip of paper with a scrawled out address. And if you manage to make it to that place, the place in which I hang my sorry head and cry, I will open the door with a curt but kind, "Can I help you?" You'll smile and shrug they way you always have saying "Its me..." To which I'll have nothing to say. I can't promise you 'll be so open to receive you after you cut me off so brutally for the sake of that girl. I can't even say I'd be kind. But I can tell you this....I will always forgive you. We are bound souls, you and I. You will always carry a piece of me with you wherever you may go and I will carry you in my heart forevermore but we were bound together and now we are bound to say goodbye.